WHY I DON’T WANT TO BLOG . . . um . . .

ldy-writing  Um.    I don’t even know how to finish that sentence in the title.

“Why I don’t want to blog . . .”   anymore?     No, that doesn’t feel right.

Why I don’t want to blog . . . ”  about current events?  Well, that would sure make things easier.

“Why I don’t want to blog . . .”   like this?    Yes,  that covers a lot;  and  it’s closer to how I’m feeling right now.

It’s truly unsettling.

Blogging can be fun sometimes,  it can be hard work,  it can be a joy and a sorrow, and it can change a person, make him more introspective –  and above all, more self-critical.

An incident today . . .

map-google-outage-arol

. . .  motivated me . . .

map-2nd-outage-cr

. . . to begin saving all the Spruce Tunnel archives – offline and off my computer.

Those are maps of the two DDoS’s today, affecting quite a few people in the red areas.    They say there are about a half million “devices”  connected to the Internet that can be or were used to produce this massive Denial of Service,  without the owners of those devices being aware.   So many lost Internet access to many important places.    Temporarily.

We WILL lose our Internet someday.   I WILL lose all my archives.  No one will save them for me but me myself.

We couldn’t stop the Barack Hussein person from signing over our watchful care of our Internet to foreign powers who are not so friendly to us.   That was the October 1st deadline I wrote about but that very few people knew about.

bye-internet

It’s the beginning of the end of Internet things as we’ve known them.   The world will become a much more digitally dangerous place, although it will take  a while to become apparent and truly irreversibly troublesome.

More immediate is the various take-downs like today for whatever the reasons were.  And so I was forced by circumstances to hurry up and save all those archives.

And that’s what made me be thinking all day:  To blog or not to blog.    I read those blogs of the first few years and was truly unsettled.

First,  I had to relive some of those years.   Years when Suzy was still alive.  Years when Hubbie was still alive.    When I didn’t know what it would be like to experience their deaths.      I had to go through the death of my father and then of my mother.   I recorded happy days in between,  but they seem very feeble next to the . . . losses.

Second,  it is truly unsettling to see many of the same issues in our current events showing up so many years ago,  worrying about where things were headed, and knowing now that I was right but “didn’t know the half of it,”  as they say;  I didn’t know how truly far away from American values and principles our society would get.      I thought . . .   I thought, I think I thought that there were enough people watching things develop seven  or eight years ago and collectively we all wouldn’t let them get this far.      Grown-ups would come along;  experts would come along,  even the collective common sense of the average American citizen would rise up and figure out a way to stop the destructive trends.

Third,  the most difficult of all that I got out of reading old archives is that I can see my failures as a writer.   I know, initially,   this is a place to record my “random thoughts”  and impressions, as they come to me.     I think that worked.

But sometimes I tried to make a point, or draw a lesson.    I know what I was thinking then,  but after all these years, I can see that the point was not really explicitly made.  I am either too clunky or too subtle.     I am confronted with evidence that I’m not a good writer.   And if a person writes,  he ought to write well.

But that’s not true, is it?    GK Chesterton once wrote:  “anything worth doing is worth doing badly.”     What a great “point”!      Demanding perfection can be a tyranny that keeps us in our seats, discourages us from doing anything.

You get better at something by trying to do better at what you’re doing!    You’ve got to be doing it in order to get better at what you’re doing!

Okay.   Shut up,  me.   Maybe I really do like to just blog without worrying about some literary quality that I don’t yet possess.

Fourth –  I’ve got a “fourth” reason blogging was unsettling!  —   I found out that I’m still the same person now that I was eight years ago.     And that feels like  a good thing.    I never did become some better “other” person;  there’s no new me.    But I am more experienced,  I feel more capable of meeting challenges.  As I read my old archives, I can see that I’ve learned a thing or two.  The gift of Faith is with me still – because I’ve nurtured it,  and God is drawing closer than ever.

I  didn’t  want to continue blogging,   because it makes me confront myself.

But I think I will continue blogging –  because it makes me confront myself.

 

mirror-in-blue-100

It’s okay.

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